The Perfect Crap

Every once and a while each of us experiences a perfect crap. It's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects.You sit down expectingthe worst,

but what you get is the smooth-sliding, fartless masterpeice that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert driver. But thats not the end

of it.You use some tiolet paper only to find that is was totally unnessacary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect

harmony with it.

On the other hand(so to speak) there is:

The Beer Crap

Talk about nasty craps.Depending on the crappers tolerance,

the beer crap is the result of too many beers. It could have been two 22,

it doesn't matter. what you get is a sinister,lengthy,noisy crap accompanied by

a melevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days.

The Chillie Crap

Hot when it goes in and rocket fuel when it comes out.

The chillie crap stays with you all day, making your arse feel like a het sheild.

The Cable Crap

Long, curly and pefectly formed like two  feet of e13 telephone coaxial cable.

It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent.

You wonder admiringly, ' Did i do that? Where did it come from?.

You leave your tiolet pleased with yourself.

The Latrine Crap

In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it........

where soldiers,boy scouts and flies go to crap

TIP: don't EVER look down the hole.

The Mona Lisa Crap

This is the masterpice of craps.It's as Perfectly formed as it can be.

Delicate and slender with inticacies that that would make Da Vinci weep.

And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the poleriod camera,

bur maybe thats going to far.

The Empty Roll Crap

You're done........you reach over for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardbourd cylinder.

A mild panic begins coldlyin your throat. You could use the curtins...no, someone would say.

The rug? too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclustion that every empty roll crapper must face....

pull up your dacks, tighten your arse and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.

The Splash Back crap

You send a crap on its way; it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water

that washes your arse with a startlingly unpleasent shock. Now you're wet and embaressed.

TIP: Blot insted of wipe

The Aborted Crap

You are in mid-crap when the phone rings. What do you do?

ABORT!!!! Pinch it off; go for the phone and save the rest for later.

It isn't pretty but you gotta do what you gotta do.

The Caeserean Crap

Pain, thats what this crap and childbirth have in common. Its simply a case

of to much crap trying to fit through too small a hole and there is no obstetrition to help.

The Alfresco Crap

Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to to time.This can be a

rather pleasent expeirence really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush to contribute

to the peaceful ambiunce that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screew up

this harmonius interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy